Joke of the week
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(got this as an email from a friend. Do not know the source)
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome:
Both result in death.
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child, their first-born.
Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! Ve ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself anudder boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and
you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand,
embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts
and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband
Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking
in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against
him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well, "thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
Hunt'n Trip with the Boys
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming bird hunting trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
That weekend, when all Dave's buddies arrived up at the cabin to hunt, they were completely shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting in a lawn chair hav'n a cold beer, orange vest on, shotgun in the truck, and his dog run'n around.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"Believe it or not, I didn't have to," Dave replied.
"Thursday night, when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful new see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'......
SO, HERE I AM!"
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY APPROACHING FROM OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey". -- "